Depression and steering into the skid

I've had depression for all of my adult life. It's something that I've learned come to accept as a fact of life.

It's something that won't normally effect my day to day life, but that doesn't mean it's always manageable. 

It is a weight that sits on my shoulders every day and it weighs me down.

Recently it has gotten worse and while I'm starting to get the help I need, I think holding this tight to my chest isn't making things better. 

So here's the thing I've come to admit -- I need your help. 

***

Much of what has happened in the last year and half I would attribute to a resurgence in my depression. After my grandma died on Christmas in 2015, everything has shifted and I've rarely felt like myself.

I've become more impulsive and my mood has changed. 

 I went to a doctor and started going to therapy. Then my grandpa died and I went into another tailspin.

The thing about my depression and mental illness is that it changes rapidly. One moment I can be in a great mood and then the next I'll be super low and there will be no good reason. I'll doubt everything I do or have a panic attack about how I will mess something up. 

Those aren't anyone's fault, there isn't anyone to blame but my mental illness. 

Depression has also forced me to hold on to the illusion of happiness. When you're so low that anything that happens can make you feel better you get addicted to the good things in life, even if they aren't that helpful. 

That makes obsessed with chasing the moments where I feel happy and desperate to continue the things that make my mood better. 

When those things inevitably happen my state of mind tends to get worse

***

I've skipped parties, coffee, dates or events at the last minute -- even if I really wanted to go. The truth is that there wasn't ever a good excuse and I rarely bothered to give one. Depression saps me of all my energy.  On most days it makes me just want to stay in bed or hide the things I view as problems.

Eventually I did it enough times that the invites stopped coming. 

I've pushed away the people that care about me the most because I'm embarrassed about the thing depression has made me into. At the same time I've tried to hold on to the people that make me feel happy even when they no longer want me to. I've even scared away the ones I think might have actually helped me.

***

If you read this and know me by all means feel free to reach out. I'm not doing this on my own but I could sure use some help right now.